Vow

I clutched the fading old photograph, silent tears streaming down my eyes. The salty rivulets left tracks on my heavily made up face, black mascara running leading to comical vertical lines on my otherwise pink cheeks. My chest heaved in uncontrollable sobs, my breathing erratic, grief squeezing a tight fist around my wildly beating heart. Too many days I'd sat by her bedside, watching in silent pain, witnessing the silent decline of my girl. My girl, who was once synonymous with life. My girl,who had at one point so much light within that she blinded me.

My girl, who now lay lifeless in a storage cupboard in a strange building. .

As the image of her smiling face flashed through my mind, her loud rebellions, her quite mutinies and her chatty arguments; a tremor racked my body, a silent sob working its way up my throat.

My beautiful baby girl, my light, my hope, my bright happy girl.

That is how I thought of her. How I would always think of her. I refused to allow what those animals did to her, color the memories of my precious child. They stole everything else from us. THIS I would NOT allow them to take. This was mine to keep.

They could make as many apologies as they wanted, this pain in my heart would never go away.

And my daughter would never come back.

My eyes moved to the photograph, one that showed my baby on the day of her birth. Pink, swaddled, angry at the world and bawling her head off, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She would always be the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. That would never change.

The loud volume of the TV broke my reverie, the news anchorwoman outraged over my nightmare. She didn't know half of it.

Except, maybe she did. She was a woman, living in the same city as the one that had robbed me of everything important. Maybe she did.

Maybe that nurse did too.

Maybe the people who left flowers outside the room did as well.

They needed to be stronger. The needed to conserve their energy. This fight had only just begun. Many more battles lay ahead of us, many more obstacles before every woman was safe. Before ever girl was safe.

Before no mother would clutch a photo and cry.

Resolve hardened my spine, my crying baby's photo reminding me of a valuable lesson.

No great gift came without struggle. To bring a child into this world, to bring my child into this world, I had to struggle for 20 hours.

This change, this much needed change, would only come about from struggle. Inevitable struggle. Relentless struggle. Angry struggle.

I wiped the tears, memories of my child tucked safely in the vault of my mind. She will not have died in vain. I would ensure that. If that's the last thing I would do.

This I vowed.

Note: RIP Nirbhaya, and the countless other girls who aren't named wonderful names, but whose courage is equal. Rape isn't about lust, rape is about power. Its time we took that power back.